A Costa Rican Jungle Brawl

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Picture the scene. You’re stretched out in a stripey rainbow hammock, like a snow angel camouflaging itself on top of a pack of skittles. Your ears ringing with the deafening trill of silence. Somewhere way off in the distance a young lady is most probably purchasing her weekly groceries, hopefully in an Aldi. Maybe a Lidl. Maybe not. She hasn’t forgotten the eggs. When all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the peace is shattered into at least three almost equalateral pieces…

A lizard! Much like a snake with sleeves and trousers on, he strolls his way along the boardwalk of his natural environment, a steel 12mm cable, all green and noble like. He licks the air. He misses. He strolls on, acting like he missed on purpose. He’s a poor actor.

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Scientifically known as the Anole lizard (hopefully pronounced ‘anal-ee‘), yet more commonly known to his Anole pals as Jerome, this lizard thinks he’s the muthalickin beegees. But far less hairy and 80% more scaley. He struts his way along his synthetic highway, way above all the lesser animals of the jungle; the spotty big cat and the stripey-nose bird to name a few, when out of the corner of his tiny reptilian-esque eye he spots a sight he had wished he would never have to endure…another male anally lizard.

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But alas! This lizard, Glen, has his big red floppy chin flap, more commonly known as a bally-chin-bag, and scientifically known as a Dewlap, in a full erect function. What an absolute Clemence. A nearby White-headed Capuchin monkey spots the apocalyptic gesture and loses his nitt, beckoning to the other jungle creatures to gather round. They don’t understand Capuchin. He grips the branch with a monkey like hand and braces himself for what will surely turn out to be the showdown of the night. It’s 2pm. The monkey is blind with excitement.

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Jerome spots Thomas, the Capuchin, and realises that there’s no way of backing down now, or he would never be able to show his face, and the rest of his unslimey body, in this absolutely unremarkable spot of endless rainforest ever again. And that simply would not do. With a flash of thunder, and some cash from the titans, Jerome does what any other anally lizard on a length of steel cable in a predicament would do. He mighty morphins, into a complete different identity. A sort of rusty coloured lizard. The perfect decepticon.

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Thinking that he’s absolutely given Glen the slip with his perfect disguise, Jerome has the absolute chinballs to flap his firey sail of fire right back at him. He will regret that for the rest of his life; which can be up to 5 years in the wild, or 8 in captivity. A good reason to trap small reptiles in glass boxes, some fools believe.

Glen, who isn’t as painstakingly blind as Jerome anticipated, sees the whole thing unfold in front of his eyes, just like when a lizard watches another change colour and erectify his wee little dewlap. In this instance that is exactly what happened. What a coincidence, Thomas thinks to himself. He shouldn’t be a part of this. I regret including him. #noregrets.

Glen isn’t even mildly perplexed. Jerome, on the other hand, isn’t finished with him yet. He has a mighty trick up his snakey sleeves. And of course, he still thinks that Glen is under the impression that he, Jerome, vanished into the thick humid air of the jungle, and that this brown anally lizard on the cable is nothing to do with him. Just an innocent bystander. Oh Jerome you absolute windchime. When will you learn? Today, of course, is the answer. By now, a nearby howler monkey who was pondering upon why his cojones are so polar bear white, whilst the rest of him is midnight raven black, points his attention toward the confrontation.

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As he does so, Jerome proceeds with the next part of his dastardly and muttley plan.  Once again, he uses his wizardry powers to morph into a new object. Just in case Glen is on to him and is expecting to see a different coloured lizard, Jerome mustards up all his remaining lizard lick towing strength, uses his one remaining leaf stone, and evolves into a steel cable. Motionless. Slightly slimmer. And kind of grey but pretty much still green. Nobody can see him now, he thinks, not even the overexcitedly blind monkey.

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He has used the new disguise as the ultimate opportunity to whip round to face his opponent head on. Still under the pretence that he looks only like a section of steel cable and no thing in the jungle thinks otherwise. This is his chance. Jerome leaps from his hiding spot on to Glen’s tree. Glen knew exactly what was coming, as he was still watching the events unfold, almost feeling bad for how hard Jerome had tried, yet how little he had achieved in all this tomfoolery. As Jerome lands a mass fight breaks out. Glen, the obviously far superior and less ridiculous lizard wins after a bloody battle. Jerome falls to the forest floor, nothing more than a limp and frayed piece of 12mm steel cable. This is all on video. It was my intentions for this video to be the finale for this war epic. WordPress is however telling me I need to upgrade to premium to make this happen. Not cool WordPress, you  could have warned me about two hours ago. Instead I leave you with a sloth I photographed earlier, as this is probably what you all really wanted from a blog about Costa Rica.

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That’s all folks.

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